When Grief Comes Knocking

Recently I was driving south on Hwy 101 from my home in rural Humboldt County, California on my way to San Francisco, about 300 miles away. The route is extremely beautiful as it winds away from the Pacific Coast, through ancient Redwood forests, along the Eel and Russian Rivers, then in and out of endless soft rolling grassy hills of Live Oaks and vineyards that hug the contour of the landscape, arriving finally at the Golden Gate Bridge where the road once again meets the ocean. This is a drive I’ve done regularly for the last 30 years. It’s truly stunning. I’m accustomed to this beauty and depending on the season, I anticipate how it will look each time I travel.

In the winter it rains here and the hills turn many shades of lush green and the rivers grow wide and full. But this winter is different. There’s been no rain, and the hills aren’t their usual shade of end-of-autumn brown. They’re gray, ashen gray. The rivers are nearly dry, and the water that remains barely moves. The sun shines every day, there is no rain in the forecast, and I am worried. I never imagined a day when waking up to sunshine would give me a sinking feeling. What does an impending drought mean for everything? It’s so big I can barely wrap my mind around it.

I am, by nature, very optimistic. It’s my default setting. So much so, that in order to not be blind-sided by my own optimism, I have developed the habit of asking myself “what’s wrong with this picture?” before diving into new ventures that have long-range consequences. This sort of discerning question keeps my potential impulsivity in check and helps me stay balanced.

But over the last several months I’ve found myself on the other side of things; often feeling pessimistic, stuck in the rut of everything sad, rubbing up against grief. Not just my small personal griefs, but the Big Grief, the Grief of World; global environmental degradation, climate disruption, extreme economic inequities, the effects of wide-spread poverty, (to name a few), and the outrageously painful fact that by being alive and living in the world, consuming any goods at all, I am part of the problem.

So what’s wrong with this picture? Actually, there’s everything right with this picture. It’s right to feel grief. It’s right to see things as they actually are. It’s right to feel outrage, and it’s right to feel up close, in our bones how the small self is deeply and inextricably bound to the Big Self.

“In a real sense, all life is interrelated. All men [and women] are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”    -Martin Luther King, Jr.

From the perspective of mindfulness practice, there are many ways to approach grief, pain, and sadness. When my teacher, Sylvia Boorstein, is caught in a knot she stops and says to herself, “Sweetheart, you’re in pain. Take a breath.”

This is really excellent advice on three fronts. First, by addressing herself as “sweetheart,” she holds herself with love and compassion which, right away, relaxes the mind and reduces the sting of the current pain. Secondly, by naming what’s happening, “you’re in pain,” she identifies what’s happening. When we understand what’s happening, we can choose how to respond, hopefully with wisdom and skill. And thirdly, the instruction “take a breath,” gives her something to do in the immediate, to offer herself some relief. Stopping to breathe is like pressing the pause button. It calms the mind and for the moment, turns down the volume on whatever story is playing. It’s brilliant, it’s compassionate, and it works.

I realize that saying “Sweetheart, you’re in pain, take a breath,” is not going to end climate disruption or feed hungry people, but it will give me the space and courage I need to pause and think about what I can do. It also teaches me to respond to my own pain with kindness and compassion. 

When grief comes knocking, let compassion answer.

Compassion

I’m a little late with this post because I had some minor hand surgery last week and typing is really a challenge. Next week will hopefully be easier. Nevertheless, I’ve been thinking about compassion, the next of the Brahma-Viharas, the Immeasurable or Divine mind states. I like to think of them as the most beautiful and comfortable states the mind can experience: loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy and equanimity.

Compassion is literally the ability to turn towards, acknowledge and embrace the suffering of another, a mingling of sympathy and empathy that is entirely focused on the other without the need or attempt to fix or change anything. Just the capacity to be with whatever suffering is present.

I’ll write more about this just as soon as I can type with more than one hand. But in the meantime,

A human being is a part of the whole, called by us “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.      -Albert Einstein

Metta - part 2

When my kids were teenagers, they went to the high school about a half mile from my work. Whenever I’d hear a siren during school hours, I would first check the time. Are they in class or at lunch in another teenager’s car going who knows where? My mind would tense and my heart would tighten as I worried that something horrible had happened to them. It became my habit, and has remained so, that whenever I hear a siren, I say a metta phrase to myself. Something like “may they be ok, may they not be too hurt, may they be safe.” I know that my wishes are not magic, and won’t change whatever has happened. And I also know that my wishes make me feel better and restore my mind and heart to a more comfortable less frightened place.

“The Buddha first taught the metta meditation as an antidote to fear, as a way of surmounting terrible fear when it arises. The legend is that he sent a group of monks off to meditate in a forest that was inhabited by tree spirits. These spirits resented the presence of the monks and tried to drive them away by appearing as ghoulish visions, with awful smells and terrible, shrieking noises. The tradition says that the monks became terrified and ran back to the Buddha, begging him to send them to a different forest for their practice. Instead, the Buddha replied, "I am going to send you back to the same forest, but I will provide you with the only protection you will need." This was the first teaching of metta meditation. The Buddha encouraged the monks not only to recite the metta phrases but to actually practice them. As these stories all seem to end so happily, so did this one—it is said that the monks went back and practiced metta, so that the tree spirits became quite moved by the beauty of the loving energy filling the forest, and resolved to care for and serve the monks in all ways.

The inner meaning of the story is that a mind filled with fear can still be penetrated by the quality of lovingkindness. Moreover, a mind that is saturated by lovingkindness cannot be overcome by fear; even if fear should arise, it will not overpower such a mind.”

Sharon Salzberg, Loving-Kindness; The Revolutionary Art of Happiness.

Here is the Buddha’s original teaching on metta, The Metta Sutta. I hope you enjoy it. As you read it, you might find that a certain line feels particularly meaningful, and then another and then another. Spend some time with it and see what seems most important. Then come back a read it another day and see what’s important then. Or you might choose to keep a particular line in mind as you go through your day as a reminder or an intention.

Metta Sutta; The Buddha's Words on Loving-Kindness

This is what should be done
By those who are skilled in goodness,
And who know the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech,
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied,
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways,
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: in gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born—
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings;
Radiating kindness over the entire world,
Spreading upward to the skies,
And downward to the depths;
Outward and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down,
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

Growing Fat with Friendliness

No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.  

Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

Now that we’ve completed the exploration of the Eightfold Path, we’ll move on and look at what the Buddha taught as the Brahma-Viharas, translated from Pali as the Heavenly or Divine Abodes or Dwelling Place, also known as the Four Immeasurables. They include loving-kindness (metta), compassion (karuna), appreciative joy (mudita), and equanimity (upekkha). Through meditation practice, each is cultivated not only as a beautiful state of mind and heart, but also and I think more significantly, as a way of being, and ultimately as a way of life.

Individually, the brahma-viharas are powerful guideposts, and reflections of our most natural and essential goodness. As a whole, they are a precious gem and a trusted ally. Accessing my capacity to act out of loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy or equanimity for myself and/or others, brings me right back to balance, to what is most important, and keeps me fully in the present.

Just as mindfulness is like shining a flashlight on the mind, bringing into view just what is present in this moment, practicing with the brahma-viharas is like shining the light on the heart; accessing, illuminating, and bringing out its most basic nature.

Metta – part 1

Metta is often translated as Loving-Kindness, Loving Awareness, or simply Love. I recently heard John Peacock, the British Pali scholar translate metta as “to grow fat with friendliness.” I think that’s great. I love the idea that at any time, I can expand my capacity to be friendly.

Metta practice is the continual undoing and uprooting of any existing ill will, no matter how subtle. And it can be hard to see; all the various forms of internal judgment of ourselves and others, the continual cultural conditioning that tells us we’re flawed, unworthy or not enough. Metta is the beautiful and transformative practice of developing non-ill will. It resets our default setting to a state of friendliness and kindness. It is said that this kind of goodwill is like a gentle rain falling indiscriminately over everything.

Cultivating metta is traditionally done through a very specific and systematic practice of inclining the heart towards goodwill and kindness for ourselves and others; those we know and love, those we know but might not love, those we don’t know at all, and ultimately for those we find difficult. 

When we deliberately tap into our own capacity to wish any amount of goodwill towards anyone, even a little bit, our own pain, discomfort, or struggle is lessened. Even if this happens once or hopefully as it becomes habit, we feel better, our minds are clearer, and we become kinder. We’re more easily able to look into the eyes of the person living on the street, maybe even say hello, and see that were it not for a million different causes and conditions, we, too, could be this person. This is the expansive quality of metta. It levels the playing field.

Metta Meditation Practice

In formal practice, one recites metta phrases silently as blessings, intentions or resolves. It can be helpful to visualize yourself (or the person or people to whom you're offering metta) feeling contented, peaceful, and happy while saying the phrases. Sometimes I enjoy putting my hand over the heart center while keeping the image in mind and saying the phrases. This connects the mind and heart directly to the intention of the practice. Try gently smiling, too. It relaxes the body. 

Outside of meditation, these phrases can be used anytime and anywhere you might feel fear, anger, anxiety or any uncomfortable emotional state. Just saying to yourself “safe and protected,” as you pass by a traffic accident, can bring some ease to the moment.

Metta practice is not magic. This is important. But offering goodwill calms and stabilizes both the mind and heart, and that is good for everyone.

Common Metta Phrases

May I/you be peaceful and happy
May I/you be safe and protected
May I/you be healthy and strong
May my/your life unfold with ease

Or:

May I/you be contented and pleased
May I/you be protected and safe
May I/you be gentle and kind
May I/you meet this moment with ease

Thank You

If the only prayer you say in your entire life is ‘Thank You,’ that would suffice.

-Meister Eckhart (1260-1329)

It’s Thanksgiving week, and a good time to think a little more about gratitude.

I recently spent a day hiking in the desert near Joshua Tree with Sachi, a woman from Burma, formerly a Bhikkuni (Buddhist nun), who struck me as the most naturally happy, at ease, and fully present person I've met in a long time.

We hiked up and down through vast stretches of huge monzogranite boulders, in and around dry creek beds, and through prickly dry shrubs trying to avoid the stinging needles of the cholla cactus as we climbed to the top of Black Mountain. There were the black twisted trunks of fallen ancient mesquite trees, the blooming Flaming Red Penny Desert Fuchsia coming out of an unlikely crevice, and the massive rock formations that had their own unofficial names like The Sphinx, Split Rock, Falling Rock, and The Penguin that served as land marks to guide our way back.

At one point from the bottom of a draw, when we saw a young mule deer with a budding rack up above us, Sachi stretched her arms above her head, waved her hands and called out “thank you….thank you!” She said thank-you many times that day, particularly whenever she felt astonished or taken by the beauty around us. Her natural gratitude and keen awareness were inspiring and I think, have a lot to do with her happiness. It made me stop and think about my own awareness and expression of gratitude.

Happiness, or a sense of well-being and gratitude are inextricably bound. I think it’s impossible to feel happiness without being grateful for something or someone. Likewise, having gratitude or feeling grateful brings about a sense of contentment and well-being that defines happiness. This is not to say that we cannot feel sadness and gratitude. But in the moment of tapping into gratitude, no matter what’s going on, any state of distress decreases. Try it out sometime.

Here’s what Norman Fischer writes in his new book Training in Compassion, Zen Teachings on the Practice of Lojong. Lojong are the Tibetan Buddhist mind training slogans.

Be Grateful to Everyone is to cultivate every day this sense of gratitude, the happiest of all attitudes. Unhappiness and gratitude simply cannot exist in the same moment. If you feel grateful, you are a happy person. If you feel grateful for what is possible for you in this moment, no matter what your challenges are, grateful, first that you are alive at all, that you can think, that you can feel, that you can stand, sit, walk, talk-if you feel grateful, you are happy and you maximize your chances for well-being and for sharing happiness with others.

As we come into the holidays, it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the demands of our consumer culture and difficult to find a way to participate that feels genuine and balanced. Practicing gratitude by pausing, noticing and taking in moments of well-being, or just thinking of someone you care for can go a long way. And if you’re not feeling especially well, try thinking of something that brings you joy and contentment. The memory of well-being itself can have a profound effect on your state of mind.

There are two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.   

 -Albert Einstein

Early morning light on the monzogranite boulders

In keeping with the theme of connecting with the reverent heart, here is a poem by W.H. Auden that is one of my favorites.

Song

The chimney sweepers

Wash their faces and forget to wash the neck;

The lighthouse keepers

Let the lamps go out and leave the ships to wreck;

The prosperous baker

Leaves the rolls in hundreds in the oven to burn;

The undertaker

Pins a small note on the coffin saying “Wait till I return,

I’ve got a date with Love.”

And deep-sea divers

Cut their boots off and come bubbling to the top;

And engine-drivers

Bring expresses in the tunnel to a stop;

The village rector

Dashes down the side-aisle half-way through a psalm;

The sanitary inspector

Runs off with the cover of the cesspool on his arm-

To keep a date with Love.

W.H. Auden

I am currently on vacation with my husband hiking in both Joshua Tree and Death Valley National Parks for the next two weeks. There is beauty around every turn and the desert stillness is nearly indescribable. This photo was taken in Joshua Tree. 

Collecting & Gathering

We commonly think of the concentrated mind as the kind we think we need while driving in rush hour traffic in an unfamiliar city trying to find the way to an important meeting, when our partner starts talking about the details of last night’s dinner. In this moment one might easily snap and blurt out “Be quiet so I can concentrate! Now, I just missed the exit!” Focusing the attention on one thing to the exclusion of everything else is sometimes exactly what’s necessary, but when it comes with a lot of tension, rigidity and constriction, it may not be entirely effective or without unintended consequences.

The capacity of the mind to collect and gather itself in order to direct and sustain its focus for an extended period of time in a relaxed manner is skillful wise concentration, the last factor on the Eightfold Path. This kind of concentration is expansive, at ease and leads to deepening states of calm and happiness. This is a mind that can take it all in without contention or getting carried off on tangents. It is also the capacity of mind to quiet down sufficiently to really notice and hang out with whatever is happening, which cultivates insight and wisdom, the purpose of mindfulness. Ajaan Geoff, an American Theravadan Buddhist monk says 

"Mindfulness is what keeps remembering where to stay focused and what to keep doing. Concentration is what maintains the steadiness of your gaze."

Here’s a story by Gil Fronsdal from his book A Monastery Within about the challenges of cultivating a concentrated mind.

Distractions

              A young monk complained of having too many distractions to be able to meditate. He explained to the Abbess that he had tried every possible approach to overcome the distractions. He had redoubled his efforts at concentration. He had been diligent in trying to let the distractions go. He had also tried many antidotes, including ignoring them. When none of these approaches worked he even tried turning toward the distractions to include them as part of the meditation. He had also investigated the reactions, feelings, and beliefs he had in relation to the distractions. None of this had helped. He remained plagued.

               “In that case, said the Abbess, “there remains only one thing for you to do. Please gaze upon the distractions with kindness and be still.”

One of the purposes of extended silent meditation retreats is to intentionally and deliberately cultivate a quiet and concentrated mind often by attending to the breath in both sitting and walking meditation. Having recently returned from a ten-day retreat, I learned, once again, just how difficult it is to sustain this practice. Sometimes it’s difficult to sustain the attention for three minutes, let alone day after day. The mind really is like a puppy needing constant training to sit and stay. And, when it does quiet down, the rewards are beautiful. An ease-filled concentrated mind accommodates pain and joy, feels and knows happiness as its natural state, and softens and opens the heart. 

"The mind, hard to control,

Flighty-alighting where it wishes-

One does well to tame.

The disciplined mind brings happiness."

   -The Buddha, The Dhammapada

As I think about ways of spontaneously experiencing the concentrated, still, unencumbered and uplifted mind outside of meditation, I think about experiences that bring about reverence and awe. I love the question “What evokes my reverent heart?”  

Last year my husband, Bill, and I went to a k.d. lang concert.  Towards the end she sang an acapella version of Leonard Cohen’s “Halleluiah.” It was so beautiful, so exquisite that the audience was stunned into silence, a state of utter concentration. There was nothing else going on in those moments except the rapture of this angelic voice singing this perfectly beautiful song.  At the end of the piece no one clapped, no one cheered, and as if we were all part of the same gathered and collected mind everyone just stood up in total and complete awe and reverence for what we’d just heard. Finally, after a long concentrated silence, the audience erupted in cheers and applause.

I believe we stand in reverence when we have those experiences that take our breath away, those times that we’re stopped in our tracks from an experience of beauty, joy, love or peace. I have a sense that the connections we feel at those moments are among the deepest and most profound. By staying connected to reverence, we stay connected to our innately clear mind and good heart. This, too, is wise concentration.

A Poem

Driving home from retreat in Marin County up Hwy 101, I was struck, again, by the stunning beauty of the redwoods and the huge maples in full autumn splendor of reds and golds. Breathtaking. 

This week I am settling back into my life and will write more next week. For now, here's a poem I hope you'll enjoy.

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?

How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?

What scent of old wood hovers, what softened

Sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world

Than the breathing respect that you carry

Wherever you go right now? Are you waiting

For time to show you some better thoughts?

Then you turn around, starting here, lift this

New glimpse that you found; carry into evening

All that you want from this day. This interval you spent

Reading or hearing this, keep it for life-

What can anyone give you greater than now,

Starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

-William Stafford, from The Way it Is

Tidying Up

Through the discussion of Wise Mindfulness, I've been thinking more about the common understanding of mindfulness; “paying attention” or “moment-to-moment non-judgmental awareness.” And the question comes up, “pay attention to what?”

The Buddha gives very clear direction and guidance on exactly this in his seminal teaching on the Satipatthana Sutta, The Four Foundations of Mindfulness.  

1.      Mindfulness of the body; posture, movement, sensations

2.      Mindfulness of feelings (not emotions); the quality of experience, whether it’s pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral

3.      Mindfulness of the mind; thoughts and emotions, discerning the many qualities of mind as they appear. A distracted mind is like this, a relaxed mind is like this, an angry mind is like this, a happy mind is like this, etc.

4.      Mindfulness of the Dhammas, or categories of experience; the Five Hindrances, the Seven Factors of Awakening, the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path, etc.

These guidelines work beautifully as both meditation instructions and guidance for our daily lives. They are complex in practice and far reaching in their implications, and deserve much more explanation than I’ve given here.  

A less technical description comes from Nyaniponika Thera, the 20thc renowned Buddhist teacher. He describes mindfulness as “tidying up the mind.” I love that. Here’s what he says about the process.

If anyone whose mind is not harmonized and controlled through methodical meditative training should take a close look at his own everyday thoughts and activities, he will meet with a rather disconcerting sight. Apart from the few main channels of his purposeful thoughts and activities, he will everywhere be faced with a tangled mass of perceptions, thoughts, feelings and casual bodily movements, showing a disorderliness and confusion which he would certainly not tolerate in his living room. Yet this is the state of affairs that we take for granted within a considerable portion of our waking life and our normal mental activity.

           from The Vision of Dhamma

In a couple of days I’ll be leaving for a 10-day silent meditation retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center, so this will be the last post for a couple of weeks. As I prepare to leave and look forward to an extended period of practice and deep quiet, I've been thinking about how easy it is for the mind to become scattered, distracted, too full, and just plain messy. I’m ready to tidy up my mind!

Here, again, is one of my favorite poems. Enjoy.

I go among trees and sit still.

All my stirring becomes quiet

Around me like circles on water.

My tasks lie in their places

Where I left them, asleep like cattle.

Then what is afraid of me comes

And lives a while in my sight.

What it fears in me leaves me,

And the fear of me leaves it.

It sings, and I hear its song.

Then what I am afraid of comes.

I live for a while in its sight.

What I fear in it leaves it,                                                              

And the fear of it leaves me.

It sings, and I hear its song.

After days of labor,

Mute in my consternations,

I hear my song at last,

And I sing it. As we sing,

The day turns, and the trees move.

-Wendell Berry

Just the Facts

As the seventh factor of the Eightfold Path, Wise Mindfulness is the practice of careful moment-by-moment, non-judgmental observation of the body, feelings, thoughts and experiences without grasping or rejecting; just being present with bare attention.

Building the awareness and capacity to stay with what is actually happening in any given moment requires tremendous discipline and focus. But with practice, this kind of mindfulness softens and reduces reactivity, and we learn to see things as they are outside of the stories we tell ourselves. This direct experience allows us to pause before we react, making space for wise, considered, and skillful response. Paying attention in this way strengthens, stabilizes, and balances the mind.  

As with wise effort, well-developed mindfulness cultivates the ability to recognize and let go of unskillful, painful or harmful habits, and to recognize and nurture skillful, supportive and effective habits. We learn to inhabit our lives with awareness and care.

We need to be clear which emotions are harmful and which are helpful; then cultivate those that are conducive to peace of mind. Often, due to a lack of knowledge, we accept anger and hatred as natural parts of our minds. This is an example of ignorance being the source of our problems. To reduce our destructive emotions we strengthen the positive ones; such emotional hygiene can contribute to a healthier society.

                  HH Dalai Lama

Mindfulness requires focus and patience, and when it is rooted in kindheartedness with a commitment to the ethics of non-harming, it is transformed from the application of a sterile technique for paying attention to an inspired, compassionate and powerful way of engaging our lives.

 And just for fun...

Gentle Persistence

Working with wise effort in meditation begins with first remembering to practice and then having the discipline to actually get to the cushion. It’s so easy to put off practice until the “right” time. But really, it’s probably always the right time to pause, notice the breath, and get a sense of the body whether standing, sitting, walking or lying down. (I have found this especially useful while waiting in what I thought would be the fastest grocery check-out line.) This simple act, which takes less than five seconds, relaxes the mind and momentarily stops whatever storyline has captivated my thoughts. It brings me into the present moment. And, it takes mindful awareness to pay attention and even more effort to remember to stick with it, kind of like training a dog!

Meditation practice is first about remembering to pay attention, to come back to this moment, this breath, a zillion times over. With gentle persistent effort, a certain kind of meditation muscle develops. We become more skilled at settling the mind and body even in the midst of stress and distraction. Like training in any discipline, the mind-body gets to know that when it assumes the meditation posture, it more easily arrives, settles, and relaxes into present-moment awareness.

This is not to say that once we’re meditating our work is done. I think it’s just the opposite. Wise and skillful effort during practice helps notice the conditions that give rise to both positive and negative, wholesome and unwholesome mental states, like contentment and ease versus anger and fear. While all mental states are true in the moment, in this training, we develop the capacity to see these states for what they are, know the difference sooner than later, and learn to let go of the negative and nurture the positive.

Even if we can’t “let go” of negative or unhelpful mind states, we learn to let them be. I find this very helpful. When I am caught in difficult thoughts or emotions, if I remind myself to just let them be for now, the inflammation calms and my mind relaxes. There will be a time when I’ll likely have the perspective and skills to work with those thoughts and emotions, but I’m not required to jump off a cliff without a parachute.

Cultivating wise effort through meditation practice is mostly about showing up, doing the practice, and seeing what’s true.

We are not required to be hopeful or hopeless. We are required to just show up for what is. To bear witness. This is how we cultivate the capacity to endure and witness suffering.

                                            Joanna Macy

Wise Effort – True North

Carrying forward the spirit and intention of the ethical practices, we move into the wisdom aspect of the Eightfold Path. This includes wise effort, wise concentration and wise mindfulness. In reality, though, each factor of the Path is dependent upon the others in order to make an integrated whole; wise effort is dependent upon wise understanding, which is dependent upon wise mindfulness, which is dependent upon wise action, etc.

Cultivating skillful, wholesome mind-states, (a mind that is peaceful, flexible and not in contention with the conditions of one’s life), while learning to recognize and then abandon unwholesome, unskillful mind-states (greed, ill-will, and ignorance) is how the Buddha defined Wise Effort.

Whether in meditation or daily life, this requires patient, steady, persistent mindfulness along with a generosity of spirit that allows for trial and error, ups and downs, messing it up and getting it right. The bottom line is that when my efforts are wise, ethical and clear, I’ll likely not cause harm to myself or anyone around me, and I’m much more likely to make good considered choices and decisions.

In meditation practice, wise effort requires the willingness to stay present with whatever arises, breath-by-breath, moment-by nonjudgmental-moment. Gentle persistence is my favorite way of thinking about this kind of effort. Sometimes in meditation when I feel my energy waning, my attention drifting, or when I’m trying too hard to stay focused and feel my mind and body tighten, I think “gentle persistence…come back…feel the breath…relax…begin again.” Using any of those words or just getting the internal sense of the words re-directs my efforts, buoys up the energy and strengthens my resolve. Just as with daily life, meditation practice requires continual adjustment and fine tuning.

With respect to wise effort in daily life, I like to use the following questions to help steer and clarify my thinking. I think of them as compass questions. You may recognize them from earlier discussions.

What, when I do it, will be for my long-term welfare and happiness?

This is a very grounding question the Buddha recommended to access one’s deepest wisdom. It helps avoid impulsivity and reactivity and their potentially harmful consequences. It is a guide towards an appropriate response.

What has become clear since last we met?

This is a great question that comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson. It’s very helpful in looking back at patterns, decisions, outcomes, clarifying what’s happening, what’s okay, what needs to be changed. You can adapt it for yourself, i.e., “what has become clear since last time….this issue arose?” etc.

What makes me come alive?

My experience is that this changes over time, but that I feel most alive, engaged and happy when I am living and working in line with my values, and doing what feels right in my heart and supports my well-being. As Howard Thurman said, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.”

What evokes my reverent heart?

We stand in reverence when we have those experiences that take our breath away, those times that we’re stopped in our tracks from an experience of beauty, joy, love or peace. I have a sense that the connection we feel at those moments are among the deepest and most profound. By staying connected to our reverent heart, we live with great respect and dignity for ourselves and others.

For me, Wise Effort is true north. How we use our efforts has far reaching implications, and this discussion just scratches the surface.

Pausing to Breathe

As we finish up the exploration of the ethical practices of the Eightfold Path, it could be easy to look at wise speech, wise action and wise livelihood as a set of guidelines about what not to do. Here is a lovely way to approach the ethical precepts from a more positive stance. This comes from James Baraz in his beautiful book, Awakening Joy. Instead of:

Don’t Kill: Honor All Life

Don’t Steal: Share Your Time and Resources

Don’t Misuse Sexuality: Take Care with Sexual Energy, Respecting Boundaries and Offering Safety

Don’t use Harsh Speech: Speak Kindly and Carefully

Don’t use Intoxicants that Cause Heedlessness: Develop a Clear Mind and Health Body

These ethical precepts are life-long practices that require ardency, dedication, constancy, and the willingness to show up for our lives by truly paying attention. We may never get it exactly right, but that’s not really the point. The point is to live our lives with the intention towards goodwill and harmlessness for ourselves and others. And hopefully with practice, we’ll do that more often than not.

So, taking a breath this week to relish the last week of summer and the coming of fall, here’s a poem printed in the current issue of The Sun magazine.

Thinking

Don’t you wish they would stop,

all the thoughts swirling around in your head like

bees in a hive, dancers tapping their way across the stage?

I should rake the leaves in the carport, buy Christmas lights.

Is there really life on Mars? What will I cook for dinner?

There’s frost on the front lawn, dry branches

on the stoop. I walk up the driveway to put out the garbage

and think: I should stop using plastic bags,

call my friend whose husband just left her for the nanny

from Sweden, a place I might like to visit.

I wish I hadn’t said Patrick’s painting looked “ominous.”

Maybe that’s why he hasn’t answered my e-mails.

Does the car need oil? There’s a hole in the ozone

the size of Texas, and everything seems to be speeding up.

Come, let’s stand by the window and look out

at the light on the field. Let’s watch how

the clouds cover the sun, and almost nothing

stirs in the grass.

~Danusha Lameris

Wise Livelihood

Following Wise Speech and Wise Action, the third of the ethical practices of the Eightfold Path is Wise Livelihood. In the foundational teachings of the Buddha, Wise Livelihood is defined as earning one’s living through wholesome avenues, those that do not bring harm to oneself or others. One’s work should be legal, peaceful, and honest; without coercion or violence, manipulation or deceit. Additionally, any profession or occupation that violates wise speech or wise action is a wrong form of livelihood as it inherently causes harm.[1] As an example, one can be skilled at wise speech but be involved in the illegal drug or weapons trade. This would be both wrong action and wrong livelihood, and therefore breech the Buddhist ethical practices.  

Wise livelihood is not only defined by how our work affects others, but also how it affects us. As I think back over the last 30 years of my working life, my most difficult time was while I was a nurse working in the hospital setting. While from the outside nursing appears to be the epitome of wholesomeness (and in many ways I believe it is), for me it was fraught with so many bumps and bruises characteristic of unhealthy work-place interpersonal dynamics; competition, distrust, poor communication, difficult hours, jealousy, and lack of advocacy all within the confines of a demeaning hierarchical political structure while facing straight-on the frailty of life and certainty of death, every moment of every day. 

It didn’t work for me, and it was painful to face the truth that the profession I had chosen was hurting me and by extension, my young family. I was really suffering. It was such a relief early one morning when I came home from a night shift barely able to keep my eyes open thoroughly exhausted and feeling demoralized when my husband said, “You know…you don’t have to do this work.”

Right there was the truth of impermanence, the truth of suffering, and the truth of karma. Things could and would change, I was in pain, and my happiness and unhappiness was so clearly dependent upon my own actions and no one else’s wishes for me. Either I was going to do something about it or stay stuck in the muck. It was actually pretty good news! I did leave hospital nursing and I’ve never looked back. Because we spend so much of our lives working, if we can make the wise choices that translate to a wise livelihood and a happier life, we may as well give it a try.

One of the core teachings of the Buddha is cultivating the capacity to know the difference between skillful and unskillful action; those that lead to our long-term welfare and happiness and those that lead to further distress and suffering. In times of self-reflection you can ask yourself “What, when I do it, will lead to my long-term welfare and happiness?”[2] It’s a great question. It accesses your deepest wisdom. Another way to ask this same question might be to say “What would my 85 year-old self tell me to do?” I hope that by the time I’m 85, I will have reached the fullness of my wisdom.

When I was young and was asked the proverbial question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I would bristle and think ‘I just want to be myself.’ My mother used to say “Find out what you’re good at and do it for all you’re worth.” That was pretty good, but it still didn’t quite get me to the core.  I think one of the most useful questions for teasing out one’s path comes from Howard Thurman. He said,

              

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive." 

If we can tap into and develop our passion, what really makes us come alive, I believe we each have a much better chance of spending our lives doing what brings out our most wise, effective and happy selves.

---

[1] Bhikkhu Bodhi, The Noble Eightfold Path; Way to the End of Suffering, 1994.

[2] Thanissaro Bhikku, Selves & Not Self, 2011

Wise Action

The thought manifests as the word
The word manifests as the deed
The deed develops into habit
And the habit hardens into character
So watch the thought and its ways with care
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings

This is one of my favorite pieces of wisdom from the Buddha because I think it’s really true. I know that when my mind thinks caring and kind thoughts, my speech and actions will likely follow suit. I feel clear and at ease. Or if my mind is caught in contention with whatever is happening, I hope I’ll have enough restraint and wisdom to keep from acting in a harmful way.

In the classical Buddhist teachings of the Noble Eightfold Path, Wise or Right Action are those actions that are rooted in harmlessness. The Buddha gives specific guidelines in the form of precepts; a code of ethical conduct to be followed by lay Buddhist practitioners. Really, they aren’t so specific to Buddhism; they’re simply the skillful and harmless way of living. You’ll recognize them.

1.      Abstain from taking life; don’t kill

2.      Abstain from taking anything that has not been freely given; don’t steal

3.      Abstain from the misuse of sexuality

4.      Abstain from using harmful or false speech; don’t lie

5.      Abstain from the use of intoxicants to the degree that the mind becomes clouded and causes heedlessness

At first glance, these precepts seem quite obvious, but in actuality they may be more difficult to carry out. How far do we take not killing? What about the ants carrying aphids to the artichoke plants or string beans in the garden? What about that magazine on the table in the waiting room at the dentist’s office that has an article you’d like to read? And how do we express our sexuality and in what environments? How about the time we said something in public that was told to us in confidence and caused a friend humiliation? And, the consequences of drinking too much or using other intoxicants are well-known.

Our actions really do have consequences, whether in the immediate or somewhere down the line. This is the law of karma. In fact, karma translates as action. I remember a difficult time in my life many years ago when I desperately wanted to be in relationship with a person who did not share my sentiments. I did everything I could think of to change the situation, but nothing worked. In fact, nearly every encounter I had brought me pain, seemingly endless pain. One day a trusted friend said it was like watching me repeatedly sit in a four-legged chair that was missing a leg. Each time I sat in that broken chair, I fell on the ground.

The Buddha taught that our happiness and unhappiness are dependent upon our own actions, not on anyone else’s wishes for us. This is what it means to be the heir to our own karma. The truth that we really can and do directly influence our lives through our own actions is a profoundly liberating statement. When our motivations and intentions come from harmlessness and goodwill, we are likely to act wisely. I find that when I really pay attention, I am my own best guide making the best choices I can. Abraham Lincoln said it well,

   “When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That is my religion.”

Here is a wonderful piece from Portia Nelson, the 20^th C musician, artist, and writer. It so perfectly illustrates how our actions become habit and how by really noticing and being deliberate we can actually make a different choice, perhaps the wiser choice.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

 Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…. I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street.

There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this the same place!

But, it isn't my fault.

And it still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.

There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in... it's a habit…but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.

There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down a different street. 

from There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery 

A Poem for the Week

Happiness

So early it’s still almost dark,

I’m near the window with coffee

And the usual early morning stuff

That passes for thought

When I see the boy and his friend

Walking up the road

To deliver the newspaper.

They wear caps and sweaters

And one boy has a bag over his shoulder.

They are so happy.

They aren’t saying anything, these boys.

I think if they could, they would take

Each other’s arm.

It’s early in the morning,

And they are doing this thing together.

They come on, slowly.

The sky is taking on light,

Though the moon still hangs pale over the water.

Such beauty that for a minute

Death and ambition, even love,

Doesn’t enter into this.

Happiness. It comes on

Unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,

Any early morning talk about it.

           Raymond Carver

Enjoy your week. May your happiness grow, and may it continue.

Literally Speaking… Sticks & Stones

I’m a very literal person. Sometimes I see words as I speak, and I see words as I hear them. So you can imagine as a child when my mother would admonish me to “Watch your mouth!” after I’d said something unkind or sarcastic, I would try scrunching and twisting up my face trying to literally watch my mouth as I said “You mean like this?” I think it must have infuriated her.

As a kid, I was never part of the “in” crowd. From about third grade through fifth grade, I was the butt of many jokes. My hair was long, dark, extremely thick and frizzy, my body was chunky, I had buck teeth, and I loved musicals. During lunch or recess my friend, Cindy, and I would stand under a enormous oak tree at the edge of the playground and take turns singing songs from Oliver!, The Sound of Music, or Hair auditioning  for each other and then grading the other’s performance. I was a nerd.

PE was a dreaded time of day, as I suffered the regular humiliation of being picked last for every team, not able to do a single push-up or pull-up, climb a rope or run with any speed.  I frequently feigned sick so I could go to the Principal’s office to avoid that 45 minutes of torture. The playground was an even more dangerous and scary place. Without much supervision, I was an easy target for kids whose entertainment was bullying other kids. For me, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” was completely untrue. The names and the words were just as painful as the imagined sticks and stones.

Preceded by Wise Thought and Intention, Wise Speech is the next and third step of practice of the Eightfold Path. The Buddha defined Wise Speech as speech that is truthful, useful, kind, gentle and appropriate. By using language that meets these requirements, we cannot help but access our innate goodwill.  By watching our thoughts and intentions, we will be more likely to catch ourselves before saying something we’ll later regret. It’s hard to overstate the importance of how we use language, either written or spoken. What we say matters and how we express ourselves profoundly influences the effectiveness of our message. And, it is a lifelong practice.

“Like a beautiful flower,

                      Brightly colored with scent,

               So are well-spoken words,

                      Fruitful when carried out.”

                               The Buddha, the Dhammapada

Try dedicating a week, a day, or even an hour to speech practice in any of the following ways. This is a challenging practice that requires steady patient mindfulness, so pick just one. Once you begin, if you forget about the practice, just note that you’ve forgotten and begin again.

·        Say only what is precisely true; no distortions either by omission, embellishments, or exaggerations, just the facts.

·        Only speak if what you have to say is helpful, not just because it feels good to say it.

·        Deliberately avoid gossip by resisting speaking about anyone not present.

·        Use kind words motivated by kind thoughts and intentions. Restrain yourself if this isn’t possible.

·        Speak gently, not harshly. Notice the quality of the thoughts before speaking.

·        Use good timing by making sure that what you’d like to say is appropriate to the situation.

·        Notice if you’re planning your response while the other person is speaking. When this occurs, you’ve probably stopped listening.

·        Pause before responding. This gives you time to gather your thoughts, check in with your intentions and choose your words well.

The benefits of these practices are good for everyone. When I think about experiences that have given me the most joy, the most love, and the secure feeling of being valued, it’s undoubtedly kind words that have had the greatest impact.  Likewise, some of my most painful experiences, whether I was the giver or the receiver, have been caused by unkind, mean-spirited words, either written or spoken.

I know that when my intentions are clear and motivated by goodwill, and when I am really paying attention to my language and the tone of my voice, the quality of my interactions is kinder, more genuine, and more respectful, even and especially with difficult conversations.

    “When talking, 

      I should speak from my heart on what is relevant,

      Making the meaning clear and the speech pleasing.

      I should not speak out of desire or hatred,

      But in gentle tones and in moderation.”

           Shantideva, A Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life