I’m a very literal person. Sometimes I see words as I speak,
and I see words as I hear them. So you can imagine as a child when my mother
would admonish me to “Watch your mouth!” after I’d said something unkind or
sarcastic, I would try scrunching and twisting up my face trying to literally
watch my mouth as I said “You mean like this?” I think it must have infuriated
her.
As a kid, I was never part of the “in” crowd. From about third
grade through fifth grade, I was the butt of many jokes. My hair was long,
dark, extremely thick and frizzy, my body was chunky, I had buck teeth, and I
loved musicals. During lunch or recess my friend, Cindy, and I would stand
under a enormous oak tree at the edge of the playground and take turns singing
songs from Oliver!, The Sound of
Music, or Hair auditioning for each other
and then grading the other’s performance. I was a nerd.
PE was a dreaded time of day, as I suffered the regular humiliation
of being picked last for every team, not able to do a single push-up or
pull-up, climb a rope or run with any speed.
I frequently feigned sick so I could go to the Principal’s office to
avoid that 45 minutes of torture. The playground was an even more dangerous and
scary place. Without much supervision, I was an easy target for kids whose
entertainment was bullying other kids. For me, “sticks and stones may break my
bones, but names will never hurt me,” was completely untrue. The names and the
words were just as painful as the imagined sticks and stones.
Preceded by Wise Thought and Intention, Wise Speech is the next
and third step of practice of the Eightfold Path. The Buddha defined Wise
Speech as speech that is truthful, useful, kind, gentle and appropriate. By using
language that meets these requirements, we cannot help but access our innate
goodwill. By watching our thoughts and
intentions, we will be more likely to catch ourselves before saying something
we’ll later regret. It’s hard to overstate the importance of how we use
language, either written or spoken. What we say matters and how we express
ourselves profoundly influences the effectiveness of our message. And, it is a
lifelong practice.
“Like a beautiful flower,
Brightly
colored with scent,
So are
well-spoken words,
Fruitful
when carried out.”
The
Buddha, the Dhammapada
Try dedicating a week, a day, or even an hour to speech
practice in any of the following ways. This is a challenging practice that requires
steady patient mindfulness, so pick just one. Once you begin, if you forget
about the practice, just note that you’ve forgotten and begin again.
·
Say only what is precisely true; no distortions
either by omission, embellishments, or exaggerations, just the facts.
·
Only speak if what you have to say is helpful,
not just because it feels good to say it.
·
Deliberately avoid gossip by resisting speaking
about anyone not present.
·
Use kind words motivated by kind thoughts and
intentions. Restrain yourself if this isn’t possible.
·
Speak gently, not harshly. Notice the quality of
the thoughts before speaking.
·
Use good timing by making sure that what you’d
like to say is appropriate to the situation.
·
Notice if you’re planning your response while
the other person is speaking. When this occurs, you’ve probably stopped
listening.
·
Pause before responding. This gives you time to
gather your thoughts, check in with your intentions and choose your words well.
The benefits of these practices are good for everyone. When
I think about experiences that have given me the most joy, the most love, and
the secure feeling of being valued, it’s undoubtedly kind words that have had
the greatest impact. Likewise, some of
my most painful experiences, whether I was the giver or the receiver, have been
caused by unkind, mean-spirited words, either written or spoken.
I know that when my intentions are clear and motivated by
goodwill, and when I am really paying attention to my language and the tone of
my voice, the quality of my interactions is kinder, more genuine, and more
respectful, even and especially with difficult conversations.
“When
talking,
I should speak from my heart on what is relevant,
Making
the meaning clear and the speech pleasing.
I should
not speak out of desire or hatred,
But in
gentle tones and in moderation.”
Shantideva,
A Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life
