Closet Cleaning

After last week’s discussion on the nature of thoughts and how they condition our moods, our emotions and our actions, I serendipitously came across this poem. It’s so funny how the right piece of wisdom can pop up just when we need it.

The mind is ever a tourist

Wanting to touch and buy

New things then throw them

Into an already full closet.

                              Hafiz

Does your mind ever feel like an already full closet? Mine does. And sometimes it feels like it’s full of clothes that don’t fit, worn out shoes, and piled up dust-covered junk on the top shelf that hasn’t moved in years. That’s how it feels when my mind is trying to accommodate way too much, with its insatiable propensity to think about, dream about, and figure out about.

And that’s the nature of the mind. It makes thoughts. Sometimes these thoughts fit and serve us well, sometimes it’s just clutter, and sometimes it’s like taking stuff out of the garbage that’s already been thoroughly processed and does not need to be recycled yet again.

I’m very grateful for meditation practice. It calms, sorts through, and clarifies my mind. Here’s a practice you might try when your mind feels too full and it’s hard to see one clear thought through to the next.

Wherever you are take a breath. Whether you’re in the car, in the line at the grocery store, on the phone with customer service because your flight’s just been cancelled, or sitting on your meditation cushion, take a breath. Really notice the in-breath and the out-breath; its length, its depth, let the breath be felt.

At the end of the out-breath get a sense of your feet, especially the bottoms of your feet. If you’re standing or sitting in a chair, see if you can feel them on the ground. If you’re sitting on your cushion, just get a sense of the soles of your feet. Imagine breathing in and out of your feet for the next minute.

You’ll notice that if you really stick with the breath, it instantly changes the mind’s focus and cuts whatever storyline it had going. The mind will not advance two storylines simultaneously. I find that re-directing the mind from the thought clutter to one simple palpable focus calms everything and lets me see more clearly.

Once I’ve settled, I like using an image of the full moon over the ocean at night resting on the horizon. I imagine standing on the beach while the moonlight shines towards me across the water. It reminds me of this poem.

Let my doing nothing

When I have nothing to do

Become untroubled in its depth

Of peace like the evening

In the seashore when the

Water is silent

                              Rabindranath Tagore

Thoughts are Just Thoughts

Recently in one of our sitting groups, we were talking about what we've individually found to be a benefit of mindfulness practice as well as what we've experienced as obstacles.

One man came in a few minutes late, gently apologized for the interruption, got himself situated on his cushion, and began to weep as he joined in the discussion. He was overwhelmed with relief and gratitude for just being able to show up at all. He shared that mindfulness in general, and meditation specifically allow him to be with the pain of the unexpected loss of a close relationship, his tender heart, his fear, anger and sadness in a way that also allow him to hold himself with a modicum of love and compassion through which he can feel a bit of ease and sometimes even some joy.

At the end of the sitting, he came up to me and said “You know, I just realized that all thoughts are neutral. It’s everything I do with them that cause the problems.” It was a beautiful moment. He experienced the profound insight into the link of pleasant-unpleasant-neutral thoughts and how they condition our emotions and actions. We talked about how in-between the awareness of a given thought and our response, there’s a space. And it’s in that space, often completely unnoticed or traversed in a nanosecond, we have great power and choice.

Sometimes I’m asked “why mindfulness, what’s the benefit?” Simply stated, mindfulness allows us to see what’s what with curiosity and acceptance. It is the practice of uncluttering and tidying up the mind. When we see what’s what, the volume is turned down on reactivity, we develop patience and resilience, and we have more access to our innately clear minds, our kind hearts and our discerning wisdom.

It’s important to recognize that mindfulness is not about becoming a better this or that. It’s about becoming fully aware of whatever is happening, whether we like it or not, whether it’s pleasant or painful, and being at ease even with difficultly. Difficult circumstances do not automatically mean despair or unhappiness. They mean difficult circumstances. Being at ease in the midst of difficulty is not fatalistic, giving up, or sticking one’s head in the sand, but rather it’s the solid rich fertile ground out of which positive change can occur. When we stop being in contention with our circumstances but recognize them as they are, we can make skillful deliberate choices about how to proceed. Mindfulness is the awareness of our direct experience stripped of inference and the stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening.

Using mindfulness to hone our awareness and sharpen our concentration for the purpose of becoming better at our jobs is fine, but I believe it is not the foundational intention of mindfulness. It is not to become a better soldier, a better teacher, a better grocer, a better nurse, a better politician, a better corporate executive. It is to become kinder, more compassionate and wise, and live a life that accommodates all of the joys and sorrows, the twists and turns that comprise being human without harming ourselves or anyone else. And in the process, we just might become better at our jobs, too. 

The Delicate Mechanism of the Heart

Here's a beautiful new poem published in the March 2014 issue of The Sun magazine. I hope you enjoy it.

Red Tights

For Maxine

When I see my friend’s little girl

In the produce aisle, she beams, “I’m happy.

I have new red tights and a boyfriend!”

We’re standing between the twin peaks

Of apples and tomatoes,

Light shining off their taut skins.

She does not know

That she will spend her whole life

At the mercy of the opening and closing

Of the delicate mechanism of her heart.

Just this morning, I ran into an old lover.

When he kissed my cheek,

I inhaled his scent and was thrown

Back to a time when all we wanted

Was to fit completely inside each other’s bodies.

Something we took as seriously as engineers

Contemplating how to land a rocket

On a moon of Jupiter.

And sometimes we succeeded,

And for a moment

The universe seemed to balance

On a fulcrum, the slight wobble

Of the earth’s orbit steadied.

How loyal the heart is, a stray dog.

Today, when my ex turned and walked

Into the crowd, all I could do

Was stand and watch

As mine trotted after him

Down the long sidewalk.

And then he rounded the corner

And disappeared.

-Danusha Laméris 

Each Moment of Mindfulness

I've been thinking a lot about conditioning lately. How we’re conditioned by our genetics, our families, our schools, our cultures, the environments in which we were raised, and the environments in which we choose to spend our lives. They’re all part of the whole.

What are the filters through which we see the world? What are our default responses? What is the content of our internal monologue? Mindfulness practice is the process of stepping out of the center of our thoughts, seeing what’s there, and pausing to ask “is this true, am I sure?” Stepping aside allows us to see our conditioning, understand its effects, recognize the positive and deliberately let go of those aspects that are not in our best interest. It’s hard work and takes persistence, patience, compassion and curiosity.

Sylvia Boorstein says that each moment of mindfulness erases a moment of conditioning. As we train in paying attention and practice noticing, we see our thoughts and how they string and weave together to make a pattern, our fabric. As we see these patterns, we get to know the emotions and feelings they trigger. And from there we become more and more skillful in how we respond.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

How many times have we all heard about how we’re acting just like one of our parents? It’s so easy to immediately take this as an insult and think “Oh no!” But maybe it’s really a good thing, a compliment. I have characteristics of both of my parents and I hope that I’ve been able to develop the ones that are a blessing and let go of the ones that don’t fit how I want to live. This is how mindfulness erases conditioning.

And to the conditioning of beauty…

“My mother would say to me ‘You can’t eat beauty, it doesn’t feed you.’ And these words played and bothered me until I realized that beauty wasn’t a thing that I could acquire or consume. It was something that I just had to be. And what my mother meant when she said ‘You can’t eat beauty’ was that you can’t rely on how you look to sustain you. What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful is compassion – for yourself and for those around you. That kind of beauty inflames the heart and enchants the soul, [from this] we get to the deeper business of being beautiful…and there is no shade in that beauty.”

-Lupita Nyong’o, at her acceptance speech for Best Breakthrough Performance, Black Women in Hollywood luncheon.

Prism of the Heart

We’ve spent the last few months looking at the heart practices, and now is a good time to review a little and spend some time practicing. Here are the various practices for cultivating loving kindness, compassion, appreciative joy, and equanimity.

For the next week, choose one each day and make it your practice. Or if you prefer, choose one practice for the whole week. Remember that with steady mindfulness, each one supports the other. By focusing on any of these beautiful and wise expressions of the heart, the others will be engaged and automatically play a supporting role.

Loving Kindness

In formal practice, one recites these phrases silently as blessings, intentions or resolves. It can be helpful to visualize yourself (or the person you’re practicing with) feeling contented, peaceful, and happy while saying the phrases. Sometimes I enjoy putting my hand over the heart center while keeping the image in mind and saying the phrases. This connects the mind and heart directly to the intention of the practice. Try gently smiling, too. It relaxes the body. 

May I be contented and pleased
May I be protected and safe
May I be gentle and kind
May I meet this moment with ease

Compassion

We all have people in our lives we find challenging. Regardless of the particulars of the circumstance, sometimes it’s so challenging that we are less than skillful in our interactions. Compassion can really help reduce the sting of these situations. My mentor, Donald Rothberg reminds me that when we can tune into the pain of another, we will be in our right minds. And I want to live in my right mind.

Take some time to think about that. This is what makes “compassion” a verb. When we get out of our own way, we really can see more clearly and act more wisely.

Compassion for ourselves works the same way. When we can get underneath the surface of our own muck and see what’s really going on, we’re more likely to feel some relief and be kinder to ourselves. And when we can’t see what’s really going on and all we feel is lousy, we can say 

“May I hold myself with compassion”

Appreciative Joy

Keep this practice simple. Look for the good, smile often, and remember joy. Here are a few phrases that are a lovely meditation directed towards finding joy in another's good fortune.

May your happiness grow

May your happiness continue

May your happiness shine

Like the moon, the stars, and the sun

Equanimity

The practices for cultivating a relaxed accommodating even-mindedness, and the capacity to take it all in and say “this, too,” can be done anywhere anytime. As with the other practices, the key is remembering to do it. Try silently saying to yourself:

May I have balance in this moment

May I be centered in this moment

Imagine what being balanced and centered feel like, and drop into that. This part is important. By getting a sense of how this feels in the body, it becomes more easily accessible next time you’re looking for balance. This also applies to the other heart practices.

And understanding that equanimity is directly connected to actions, whether ours or someone else’s:

I am the owner of my karma. My happiness and unhappiness depend upon my own actions, not on anyone else’s wishes for me.

I hope you enjoy the practices.

Balance in the Storm, Part 2

Just a few weeks ago some dear friends had their first baby, five days later my father died, and the next day my husband unexpectedly retired from a full career of hard work. There it was; a tiny bundle of enormous love and joy, a puddle of gratitude and sadness, and the dismay and excitement of what’s to come. Even though I thought I understood that everything changes every moment of the day, that life is one continual accommodation, I still felt disoriented.

One of my mentors, Sylvia Boorstein, has a simple, yet poignant way of addressing the struggling mind. When difficulty arises, she says, “It’s not what I wanted, but it’s what I got.” When we have the spaciousness of mind to see clearly without a bunch of added stories, opinions and judgments, we’re more able to respond wisely and appropriately, get a better outcome, and be at ease. It’s lemons to lemonade. Equanimity is the capacity to make room for it all, to say “this, too.”

Equanimity is also inherently linked to karma. Karma is properly translated as “action.” Understanding that all actions have consequences, and the only things we can ever truly control are our own actions, we may as well let go of trying to fix or change anyone else, and direct our efforts toward our own wholesome and skillful actions. When we do this, we naturally become less attached to outcomes because we know that when our actions are rooted in insight and grounded in the ethics of non-harming, the outcomes will naturally lead towards the long-term welfare and happiness of ourselves and others.

Here is a practice I learned from James Baraz, author of Awakening Joy. The purpose of it is to help us accept the way things are and understand that no matter how much we love someone, no matter how much we want to protect them, no matter how much we might think we know what is best, we cannot prevent them from suffering, no matter what. This goes for ourselves, too.

From a relaxed place, bring to mind an image of someone you love and silently say:

“You are the owner of your karma. Your happiness and unhappiness are dependent upon your actions, not on my wishes for you.” 

Think about it, let it sink in and say it again.

As you work with this practice, you’ll see how true it is. Sometimes it’s quite astonishing to really get it, to deeply understand that our happiness and unhappiness really are dependent on our own actions, our own responses, our own belief systems, and not on anything outside of ourselves. As this sinks in and takes root, our equanimity grows and becomes an accessible, integrated and natural way of being.

For more on equanimity, see the July 8^th post on this blog, “Equanimity, the 7^th Factor of Awakening.”

Balance in the Storm, Part 1

Out of the soil of metta

Grows the bloom of compassion,

To be watered by tears of joy

Under the cool shade of equanimity 

     - Longchenpa, 14thC Tibetan Master

Finally we come to the last of the Brahma-Viharas, equanimity, upekkha in Pali. Even though equanimity is classically taught as the natural summation of loving kindness, compassion, and appreciative joy, it actually functions as a continuous balancing current, an opposable thumb. And even though we can focus on developing metta, developing compassion and joy, none of them really exist in isolation.

Try it out sometime. Can you really wish goodwill to someone without the thread of compassion? Can you really feel the joy in appreciating someone else’s success without the support of goodwill and kindness? Can you feel compassion without kindness? It doesn’t really work. With equanimity as the through line, the brahma-viharas are mutually supportive and mutually dependent. They function as an integrated whole.

“When you feel bad, let it be your link to others’ suffering. When you feel good, let it be your link with others’ joy.” 

   –Pema Chodron

Just like loving kindness, compassion and appreciative joy, equanimity has its “near enemy” or subtle opposite, and in this case it’s indifference. We might think we’re balancing and navigating the big and small storms of our lives with, but if we do it by looking the other way, erecting impenetrable walls, cutting ourselves off from our own hearts, ignoring our direct experience, we actually create denial and indifference, not equanimity. Our exterior may appear calm and balanced, but our interior is working hard to protect ourselves from difficulty and pain.

I like to think of equanimity as the balanced spacious stillness of mind that easily accommodates everything that naturally arises as it happens, a relaxed even-mindedness that allows me to experience whatever occurs with soft, curious, wise resilience. If I can soften my edges, there’s nothing too sharp to bump up against. Painful experiences don’t sting as much or for as long, and it’s easier to come down from and let go of even the most wonderful, exciting and joyous events. Softening allows me to release the grip of grasping and craving, and not push so hard against adversity.  

Here is a practice for exploring and cultivating equanimity. It can be used anywhere, either in formal meditation practice or standing in what you thought was going to be the fastest line at the grocery store. I’ve adapted it from James Baraz’ book Awakening Joy.

Settle in and take a few comfortable mindful breaths.  Let your awareness move slowly through your body arriving, settling, softening and breathing. Silently say to yourself:

May I have balance and equanimity in this moment

or

May I be centered in this moment

Imagine what being balanced and centered feel like, drop into that. Try to allow any thoughts or emotions that arise to just be there, without needing to grasp onto or push them away. Repeat the phrases as long as you like and see if you can gently relax into equanimity.